Envy.

Sometimes I’m sitting with friends and I don't feel normal anymore. I try to be normal and be the old me when I'm with them but I'm not, that whole part of my life that I knew 2 years ago is gone, that part of me when I was 17 that never had to think about the consequences of what I do has gone. 

I am not the average teenager, I don't get to be care free. Sometimes when I'm out in the world and I'm seeing people my age go by doing their daily tasks I wish my life was simple, I know it never will be though, I'll never be that girl who's carefree and wild. I will always be for the rest of my life the girl who had a stroke at 17, the girl who's had to mature and grow up quicker than most my age because of what I’ve dealt with.

I can't help but wonder if I had gone to the doctors the day my left side went on me...would I have caught it in time...probably...My life wouldn't have changed and I wouldn't be forever known as the girl who had a stroke at 17. But I know it's not my fault, because no one would ever have thought STROKE when a 17 year olds left side goes numb. It's honesty the last thing anyone would think I'd say. 😂

If I'm honest that's why it took me so long to accept what had happened. The thought of others knowing I had a stroke at that age made me embarrassed and scared. I guess that’s why for so long I pushed my friends away because they reminded me of the old me and my old life before the stroke. Now I’ve accepted what’s happened, I understand it was wrong of me to do that to them because they were just learning about my illness just like my family and myself were. But still sometimes I find it hard because they are so normal and I envy that. I envy things most people don’t think twice about 😂 like being able to walk long distance or going out three days in a row. 😂 

I am lucky that I can do the amount I can do after my stroke. I feel blessed but other times it still feels unfair that it happened. But I know a lot of us feel that way. We are all lucky. We are all survivors. We are all strong. 💜💜💜

Hope everyone has a great weekend. I’m looking forward to the fund raising dance tomorrow night at half 9. 😄💜💜