Memory.

I had an Ischemic stroke when I was 17 years old. It was horrible. I have this one memory at the time which stands out from all the others, where I was in the hospital on the ward, I had my own room because I was still a child and at the time my left leg was dragging every time I tried to move it and my left arm just gave up when I tried to used it. I couldn't even pick a bottle up with my left hand when I wanted a drink. Anyway I remember I needed to go to the bathroom and the room was spacious so it was a bit of a walk, I got up and lost my balance and mam caught me, dad was sitting in the arm chair worry on his face, Mam wanted to help me to the bathroom but I was so frustrated and angry with everything that I  raised my voice to her and said 'I can do it on my own' so I walked to the bathroom slowly and as I got in the doorway to the bathroom my mother sighed and I turned, I asked her what was wrong and she said 'Ree did you not feel that? you just smacked your arm of the door.... pretty hard' and I said 'no', the look on both my parents faces will stick with me forever, the look of helplessness, their whole word went crashing, you could tell their hearts were breaking and there was nothing anyone could do to make it better, they aged so much in those few weeks, even in the past two years they have aged so much and I've matured quicker which my mother sometimes gets upset about and wishes I could be carefree. I tell her not to worry and she looks at me as if to say I will always worry. 

Sometimes that's the worst thing about this whole situation is not how I feel but how everyone around me feels, I stayed strong for them, I still stay strong for them, I'm still in pain half the time but I choose not to tell people, I hate worrying everyone, I hate my parents stressing, they have aged and stressed enough. So now that I've somewhat accepted what has happened to me and I try to be stronger than them so they don't break.  How I really feel which I've never shared with anyone is  that most days it's hard to stay strong, most days I want to cry with the pain, I want to cry for the loss of the life I could have had if this hadn't happened to me, I lost a piece of me when I had a stroke I lost a bit of the old Ree but I gained the traits of the new Ree and I learned to love myself for them, It took me awhile to love myself after it but I do now, I couldn't see my life any other way. Things like this, these life changing events are hard to accept for both you and your families, you can't dwell too much on what happened it drives you insane, you will slowly, after many crying sessions accept it and when you do life gets better.

Like right now I've recently just come out of hospital again, just over a week ago I had another funny turn (That's what me & my family call it) or post stroke relapse as the doctors call it, every time I go into hospital when I come out I acquire a new symptom it seems. Doctors are baffled just like the rest of us. But I don't dwell, I get upset, I cry for a day maybe two because I'm so fed up of all the doctors and hospitals and pills but then I bring myself back and I make goals for myself to keep me going. That's the best advice I could give you, Make goals, plan things to keep you going, to keep you occupied so you don't have much time to feel sorry for yourself and if you have a day where you feel like feeling sorry for yourself Go For It, I had one of those days yesterday and I felt better after my little cry. Sometimes a good cry is all you need. My goal is to get myself fit, I'm hoping that if I get fitter my leg, arm and the rest of my symptoms might get better, but if they don't it's not the end of the world and  I'll just worry about it when I come to it.  

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reads and shares my posts. To everyone who sends me nice messages, it means so much to me that I know I'm helping someone who is suffering and I'm so happy my Blog posts help you and give you all encouragement. It means so much, Thank you. 💜