How do you feel?

On Saturday the 28th of April I was lucky enough to have two lovely young women come to my house and film a short interview. I met these two women at the Stroke Survivors day up in Dublin on the 24th of April, they were looking for young Stroke Survivors as part of a science on screen documentary, which they are hoping to get funding for. So these short interviews will hopefully help get the funding.

The reason I am mentioning this is because one of the questions they asked me took me by surprise, It was a question I have not been asked. As all of you know from reading my blog I have a twin brother called Dempsey, who is so supportive and encouraging. But the question... "You have a twin brother, someone the same age as you, you always did the same things, you were always at the same level/pace in life,  how does it feel, how do you feel over the fact he can do things you can't, do you get angry, frustrated at him?"

It's something I do get angry about because I can't do the things most 19 years old can do without it having a negative impact on my daily life. There was a time where I would constantly bicker with my brother or argue with my parents, even now I still argue with my parents and brother because sometimes I want to go out with my friends on the weekend but my parents won't let me because of my health and it's hard for both my family and myself because I should be able to go out at the weekend, enjoy being young and not worry about the consequences but I can't and when I do go out, if I do go out, I over do it , but it's my parents who are there to pick up the pieces when I'm crying out in pain and physical can not move.

It's horrible to witness, it's horrible to go through. It's horrible for my parents and brother to witness. It's horrible for any family to witness and go through. But for me that one night of normality, being with friends, enjoy a night out is worth it no matter how bad the pain gets. It's nice to not constantly think about the brain injury, fatigue, processing problems, walking problems or having to be responsible for one night.

At times it does feel unfair that my brother and my friends can do these things, while I'm stuck Staggering behind. Can I blame them...no, it's not their fault I'm this way, it's not my parents fault when they stop me going out with friends most weekends, I think it kills them to not see me go out with friends as much as it kills me not going. 

For a long time I hated mixing in my old life because all I could see was the things I couldn't do that they could, and it felt cruel, it felt unfair. It's hard, it's horrible not having control over your body or your life, I don't get a choice sometimes I adjust you have no choice to adjust, but it's what I do with that choice that keeps me going. I always try to look for the positives no matter how negative my life gets.

It's still difficult for me most days, it's the having to have those rest days and not being able to just get up and do what I want when I want,  that frustrates me, but like I said I have adjusted, It has made me mature and I have had to grow up a lot quicker than most my age.

I can not blame my family, my brother or my friends, I can't get angry or frustrated at them because they are enjoying their lives. That's not fair to them, they deserve to be young and carefree. I can be, I just don't get that choice often, but when I do, I love it.

💜💜💜