Second Opinion

This is my first post in a long time, I'm sorry for those of you who have been checking to see if I have posted something new and came up empty. 

For the past two months I have not been feeling great both physically and mentally, I have had so much on my mind I just did not know how to deal with the outside world. I've put myself on over drive and have tried to keep myelf busy from the moment I wake up in the mornngs until the time I  go to bed...why do I do this...because I am forver trying to prove to myself that I am somewhat the old Ree, that I can still be a normal 20 year old outside my life of living with a brain injury. I keep myself busy so that I don't have to think about how my life changed and how most days I struggle in silence..even when everyone asks if I am okay my answer is always yes because deep down I feel if doctors can not help me or give me answers how is any body else going to.

About 2-3 weeks ago I had another "funny turn" as I like to call them, I was heart broken because since being in hospital in January this year, I felt like things were different and that this time 3-6 months down the line I wouldn't end up back at square one...but I am, my left side went on me and it feels even weaker than it did in January, some of it could be due to the fact that my mental state is not in a great place since it happened this time round. As my keyworker at Headway said "you can basically predict them now, they happen so often there has got to be something they are missing." 

On Tuesday I got an appointment to go see a neurologist in Cork in September for a second opinion, in hope they will figue out whats wrong with me and why all this happened and why every 3-6 months I get 'funny turns', but now I am scared because of the realization that they may not give me any answers or the answers I want and that I will just have to deal with this for the rest of my life, that I will be in pain for the rest of my life, that I will get bad flare ups for the rest of my life. I thought I was okay with the thought of it all...but I am not.

I feel blessed and unlucky all at once because I have achieved so much these past two years and have come so far post stroke, but I feel so unlucky because I have no answers and I may never have answers and I may just have to accept that the way my life is now, is the way it will be for the rest of my life and I don't think that is something I have acepted yet or want to accept yet.

I have accpeted my life and my families life changed 2 years ago and that it will never be the same.

But a part of me was gripping on so tightly to the fact that I may get answers and now I am terrified to go and get this second oppinion in fear of me knowing less than I know now.

I cant think of it, if I think too much it makes me want to cry, it makes me feel nauseated and empty.

I always feel like I'm okay for a while about how things are and every now and again reality hits me and I get so upset and I feel like I am not okay, I know that happens to most of us so I know I am not alone. 

I know deep down I wouldn't change what happened to me and I wouldn't wish my life to be different because everything happens for a reason but I just wish things were easier and that having a brain injury wasn't difficult because I am tired of being exhausted and tired of life feeling like a challenge. I know mentally I still have far to go and  I know I have friends and family to help and that I am never truly alone no matter how much I feel alone. 

I am sorry to everyone for not posting for a while, I will try and post more frequentally again, I hope everyone is feeling okay and keeping well and if your not please don't hesitate to send me a message I am always here to help in any way I can.

Stay Strong Survivors. 💜💜💜