Conversation

Conversation between my mother and I...

My mother-"Ree did you know Paddy McGuinness's 4 year old twins are autistic and his 1 year old possibly has it too?  I can imagine how hard it is for him as a parent." 

Me- "I didn't know that, that's gotta be hard."

My mother- "Something he said got to me, the way he described it, I understood as a parent how he feels. He said "I am never happy in myself anymore following the twins diagnosis", "Some days, it feels like you're slowly drowning. It's like you're underwater desperately swimming up to get oxygen, but never getting there."

My mothers eyes started watering, you can see even now when she talks about our journey that it breaks her heart, not because I am not living and not enjoying my life to the fullest potential I can, but because this is a path, a journey none of us planned for, that none of us chose, that none of us had control over. As a family we take it one day at a time, as a family it has made us close, it has made us stronger. 

My mother and I mostly talk about this journey we have been on the past two years when she is driving, which isn't really a good thing because she starts to get emotional whenever she really thinks about what's happened and her eyes start watering, then all of a sudden she's complaining to me saying "You know we shouldn't talk about this when I'm driving, you know it makes me emotional, what if I crash the car "she jokes and we laugh it off.  

My Mother- "I'm not saying I'm not happy or that when I laugh I am not happy because I am, but I will never feel that happiness, that wholeness I felt before this happened to you, I am a different kind of happy now, I will never truly be happy again because I know everyday how much you struggle, how doing normal things can be hard for you. Looking at people your age do things and saying to myself Ree can't do that, my heart breaks for you." 

Me- " I get that mam because I will never be the same kind of happy again, I will never feel the happiness I felt before the stroke."

I am not saying that I am not happy now, I am happy (most days😂), but it's a different kind of happiness, I guess a meaningful kind of happiness because the simplest things make me happy just like sometimes those simple things can make me sad. I don't know any different anymore, I don't really remember what it was like being a 'normal' girl, a girl before the stroke, a girl without a brain injury. I adjusted and as hard as it may be I survived. I survive everyday and am so thankful I can say I am a survivor. Maybe recovery never really ends because you never truly know what's around the corner with a brain injury but boy oh boy does it make life interesting, sometimes hilarious and most of all meaningful. What more could you wish for right!? 😂

I know I haven't posted in a while but I've tried to have me time as my head wasn't in the greatest place. I hope everyone is keeping well and the recovery road is going well. 

Max & I in the back of the car on the way to the beach. Molly gets travel sick so she wouldn't take a photo and just stayed on the floor all the way to the beach.😂😂