'Real feelings?'

 I know I haven't posted in a while, I've been so busy these past few weeks, I haven't been feeling  great in myself and I am now burnt out as I have hardly rested. My auntie and cousins were over from England last week and went home early this morning. I also turned 20 on Sunday, I genuinely do not feel like I should be turning 20😂, It's a weird feeling knowing I am no longer a teenager. 

What I want to talk about today is the horrible mood swings I get and I'm assuming a lot of you get them too, with these mood swings you could go weeks or days feeling great and then boom! you wake up one morning and you wish you never woke, you just want to sleep the days and weeks away because you feel numb, and you don't know if this feeling of happiness or if this feeling of being numb is the 'real feeling'. 

You feel like you could break down, but don't really have any specific reason for feeling this horrible or numb. I know changes in mood swings are a side effect after a stroke and a side effect of having a brain injury, they are hard to control and I find them impossible to stop the majority of the time. I never really spend that much time on my own anymore and I always try to keep myself busy, I do not want to sit and think about a moment that changed my entire existence and it's due to the fact that I want to fill this hole I feel I have, that a lot of us probably feel due to the fact that we have all lost a piece of ourselves forever.

I feel like I have no control over these emotions, these down days that follow with recovery really do suck, not having control over my weak side or damaged brain sometimes is so frustrating and I guess that's also what brings the mood swings on. My life is as good as it can be right now recovery wise but it doesn't mean I don't get these worthless, frustrating numb feelings about myself that can be hard to shake. It feels like I am a guest in my own body at times, everything can seem so surreal, like I am not actually going through this, that this is somebody else's life and I'm just visiting.

But it's not, this is my life and I will and do get bad days, I am not afraid to admit that. I think at times my life will always seem surreal because I didn't chose this path in life, it chose me and I wouldn't change it for the world I just sometimes wish it was easier.  I've had to find my own way, my own path, sometimes when I think back I wonder how  I survived because I had to learn so much on my own at such a young age, just like the majority of us.

We have all experienced , we have all created our own new paths, we may all think we are alone at times (I do), but we're not we have so many loved ones there to help us, to support us so we don't have to experience this path alone. I know I argue with my loved ones most because  they try so hard to support and help me. (which can get annoying when wanting to do things on your own.) 

I'm still learning, everyday I'm one step closer to understanding it's not my fault that I can't do things sometimes, I'm slowly learning to control my emotions of anger and frustration I have towards myself, I am only two years down the line, I have to stop thinking I should be able to do everything, I need to concentrate on the achievements I have made. 

I know none of us chose this path, but we do make the best of this life we were given and I know everyone of you survivors inspire me!

💜💜💜💜